WildMagic Mishaps
by Dreams and Shades
Summary: A word to the wise, never travel with a wild mage. Ever.  A recount of several things that went badly wrong in game.


**Disclaimer -** I do not own the rights to Baldur's Gate I ToTSC or BGII SoA or ToB. I do however own my Bhaalspawn and any OCs that turn up.

**Author's notes -** All of the wild magic mishaps mentioned in this story are true. They happened (unfortunately, though maybe it wasn't the Far Realm...). My wild mage gnome is a force of Chaos not to be reckoned with. XD

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><p>The patrons of the Copper Coronet flinched as the door swung open and a far-too familiar voice reached their ears. Several began to pray to the gods for mercy as the small pointy-eared bringer of doom sat at the table, protesting loudly about something.<p>

'What? What's wrong with my magic?'

'W-well... Shae... You see...' Aerie attempted to breach the subject in a gentle manner.

'Your wild magic is dangerous and chaotic and it's causing a mess,' Jaheira (who in the opinion of many didn't know the meaning of the word "gentle" or "manners") cut across the former-avariel abruptly.

'Yes indeed,' said Jan. 'You know this reminds me of the time my Aunt Sheila - very talented young mage, specialised in Turnip magic you know - decided to dabble in wild magic. All was going well until she decided that-'

'Cease this madness before you doom us all!' cried Xan, though nobody was quite sure which of the gnomes he was addressing.

'Boo is sorry to upset you, little-Shae, but he does not like glowing pink!' agreed Minsc, holding in his large hand a bright neon-pink glowing hamster.

'Come off it!' snapped Shae, crossing her arms angrily. 'Name me one bad thing that happened because of my wild magic!'

[A few weeks ago]

_'This is nothing! When I fought against the Hillgnasher giants-!'_

_'Sylvanus have mercy-! Somebody shut him up!' snapped Jaheira, whose quarterstaff also snapped as she crushed it in her rage, wishing that it was Anomen's spinal cord in her hands._

_'Silence him before he dooms us all!' wailed Xan._

_'Minsc and Boo agree! This is maddening! More maddening than math even, and that is truly maddening! Minsc should know.'_

_'KILL! KILL!' added Lilarcor, enthusiastically._

_'You know, I had a cousin named Ano once and-'_

_'He is very annoying,' agreed Shae, quickly interrupting the inventor/monkey-smuggler/black-market-salesman/walking-disaster-zone. 'Maybe I should silence him...'_

_'Wait... silence? With a spell...? Shae, NO DON'T-'_

_But it was too late. With a deafening cry of "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the spell exploded and without warning a cow fell out of the sky..._

_...and landed on Anomen's head, with a rather revolting splatting noise._

_..._

_'...I think we might need a new cleric.'_

_'Boo says "that would be wise".'_

_'Blood!' sang Lilarcor happily._

[Present]

'...wait, you're counting that as a bad thing?'

'Point,' conceded Xan.

'Besides, it worked didn't it? I mean I did intend to silence him... Sure, it was a bit more messy and... erm, murderous, than originally intended, but that's proof that my spells work as they should.'

'What about Edwin?'

'Oh... Yeah... That...'

[A week before the few weeks ago]

_'Finally, I am restored to my full masculine glory! (I suppose those Simians have some uses after all... not that they would be of any use without my unerring guidance, of course.)'_

_And the red wizard celebrated his renewed "masculinity" by frolicking most flamboyantly on the spot._

_'Well then, now that Eddie's back to normal, where to next?' asked Shae, turning to her companions._

_'I can tell you with certainty that we shall go to our inevitable doom...'_

_'Why do we waste our time on such insignificant things! When I was in the campaign against the Hillgnasher-'_

_'Minsc would like to go to the Umar Hills, like we promised Little Delon, and give the evil there the righteous boot-stomp of justice!'_

_'As much as I would like to leave the city, it will take a few days and we will no doubt need supplies,' said Jaheira._

_'No need!' said Shae brightly. 'Because I can just cast Mass Haste and-'_

_'NO!' came the desperate screams - too late._

_There was a blinding flash as the spell backfired, followed by a loud feminine shriek of pure outrage._

_'INSIPID SIMIANS! BRAINDEAD MONKEYS! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!'_

[Present]

'Apparently, Eddie really does not like being turned into a woman.' Shae glanced down, examining herself. 'I don't see what's so bad about it.'

'Boo says there was nothing bad about it, and has no complaints. The bad wizard got what he deserved, and precious Dynaheir would be most amused. Minsc and Boo certainly were.'

'Normally I would not complain about the loss of an individual such as Edwin,' said Xan gloomily. 'But considering who you replaced him with...'

'You know, this reminds me of the time when Uncle Scratchy-'

'And what about Viconia?' added Jaheira.

'What about her?'

'You banished her to the Far Realm!'

'..._accidentally._ I _accidentally_ banished her to a realm of infinite madness and evil. Besides, I'm sure she appreciates the evilness.'

'-and he couldn't get that dress off no matter how hard he tried, so cousin Bertha - who wasn't really his cousin you understand, see-'

'And Cernd,' added Aerie sadly.

'Oh come on! He's a druid, I'm sure he's perfectly happy as a squirrel...'

'Shae,' snapped Jaheira 'I am a druid, do I look like I would be the remotest bit pleased about being doomed to spend eternity as a squirrel?'

'You're doomed regardless...' moaned Xan.

'You know, Xanny,' said Shae cheerfully, taking note of the elf's depression. 'You're always so down, maybe a little Hope spell will-'

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'


End file.
